i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
