My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
