I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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