I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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