i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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