see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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