I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
