Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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