my soul wont recognize me after tonight
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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