...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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