If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
