I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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