everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
