there's paper in my vomit.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
