is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
