I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
