Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You are the jesus of drinking
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
