Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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