finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
