My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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