I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There's always time for handjobs
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Randomize
