I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
