I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
