apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
