You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
