In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
