I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
