You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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