Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
