The maid of honor just puked.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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