I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
