brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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