I smell stomach acid.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I could fuck to npr.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
