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is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
