Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
