This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
