Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
