I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
