I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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