JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
