woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
