he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
