Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
