i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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