I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
