Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
