On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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