i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
