You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
