MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
