having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
