Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
